wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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