just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
love makes seman taste better
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
