It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
