I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
