I swear god or herbie drove my car home
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize