I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize