I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
