I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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