You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
