I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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