just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
