K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
