i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
