So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
