I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
