The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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