We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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