my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
