id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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