This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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