Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
