o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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