Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
