my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
