Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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