oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
