Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
