apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
