he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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