The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize