Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
