I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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