I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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