ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
