and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize