Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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