I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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