can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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