I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
