its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drake has all the answers
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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