I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
