see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
