i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize