did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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