Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize