My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
