just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
