I think I won the penis lottery.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
