spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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