I just pynch a tree in the face
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize