Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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