he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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