I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
vagina is talking i cant
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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