she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
