Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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