in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
