he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
