I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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