She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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