and you said cock pushups were impossible
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
