Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
