tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
